This video speaks for itself. Worth the entire 9+ minutes.

“…have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, 
in Letters to a Young Poet

So – what are the questions that you are living with now?

I define positive change agents as people who are committed to:

• making the world a better place than they found it (or improving the conditions in which others live)

and

• making themselves better people.

Both are necessary. Neither is sufficient by itself. (Personal development without care and compassion is only inwardly focused: a form of egocentric narcissism. Wanting to change the world, but not attending to your own growth and evolution, can lend itself to the kind of blind spot that takes positive change initiatives down again and again. And it’s also a form of narcissism: I’m evolved enough, thank you very much. And if the whole world just saw things my way we’d have heaven on Earth.)

Positive change agents go by many names: changemakers, cultural creatives, sustainability activists, evolutionaries, and social entrepreneurs — to name a few.

And one thing that greatly undermines our community is when we get into a mindset of “my way of contributing to change is the only valid way.” And we start sniping: why are you buying food that’s not organic? Well, why are you driving? Back and forth.

We need to remember this:

We are all doing our best. And we can all inspire each other to do better and better.

The word inspire is key.

And that happens most effectively through connection and community building. Not by making others wrong.

I’ve had a powerful meditation lately that I’ve been trying out.

I imagine that the Universe has millions of years before me and millions of years after me, and that life is short. Not too hard for me to do.

And I sink into the finality of my death.

In these moments my death is as real to me as the computer on which I type and the breath that leaves and enters my lungs.

This is not an exercise in morbidity. It is extracting power from reality.

When I live as if I were already dead, fear goes away.

If I’m already dead I have nothing to lose.

What this meditation has done for me is helped me enter a state experience through which I can live with total abandon. I’ve only accessed it fully a couple of times. But my experience of it has been very powerful.

Tell me, are you going to live forever?

The following post is an excerpt from the PDF portion of my downloadable home study course, Empower Your Communication: A step-by-step introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The course also includes 5 CDs’ worth of audio recorded during live teleseminars. (And a sweet bonus.) More information on the course, including glowing testimonials, is here.

“The number one reason people’s Needs are not met is unclear requests.” – Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Mastering Requests

Why:

Requests ensure that I am giving the people around me something actionable and clear so that they can respond to my Need.
Making requests of each other, rather than demands, assures that we are doing everything for each other out of an energy that will not later interfere with the quality of the connection.
As I said earlier, one of the most important insights in NVC is that whenever we do anything for one another, I for you or you for me…
…the energy with which we do it is just as important as the action itself. Because when we or others act motivated by fear, guilt, shame, obligation, shoulds and have-tos, the relationship pays a big price, usually in terms of resentment and often an erosion of trust.
Unclear requests create confusion, and waste time and resources.
 Demands squander goodwill and trust.

What:

A true NVC request is distinct from a demand, and meets four criteria (below).
In a demand the other person’s Needs are not perceived as equally important, and the other person may do what we’re wanting out of a motivation of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, shoulds, have-tos, etc.
When I make a true request, your Needs matter to me just as much as my own. And I remember the consciousness that NVC teaches me in which I prioritize the relationship over specific outcomes, and when we are connected we find that we co-create mutually satisfying outcomes.
If I have made a true request, I can hear a response of no with as much love as a yes. Below are the four criteria for an NVC request:
(1) Specific. (Vague requests are less doable, and therefore less likely to result in your Needs being met. They are also prone to being misinterpreted; e.g.: “I want more space in this relationship.” Response: “Are you saying you’d like me to contact you in five years?”)
(2) Present. (Actionable in this moment. Even if what I want is a future action, what is actionable right now is agreement about that future action.)
(3) Positive action language. (What we do want the other person to do rather than what we don’t want them to do).

E.g.:
Father: “Son, you need to quit watching TV.”
Son: “OK, dad I’ll go join a street gang.”
Father: “Um, never mind, let’s see what’s on the tube.”

As opposed to “Would it work for you to read a book right now, instead of watching TV?”

(4) Doable. (The worst response you could get is a yes if your request is not doable.)

“Would you be willing to agree to do the dishes forever and ever?”

This is one of the more creative aspects of NVC because it engages our ability to envision possibilities.

Most trainers under whom I have studied, including Marshall, recognize Strategy Requests (also known as Action Requests) as well as Connecting Requests. In addition, I have identified Process Requests (that help clarify “how” questions) and Stepping-Stone Requests.
Sometimes the lines between these categories can be blurry, and can make them seem somewhat arbitrary. Below are some examples in case they’re useful.

Strategy Request: “Please open that door.”

Connecting Request:

(a) Requesting empathy or understanding
!

“Could you tell me what you heard me say?”

(b) Requesting honesty

“Could you tell me what comes up for you when you hear that?”
(or “Could you tell me how you feel about what I just said?”)

(c) Clarification

“Could you tell me if you heard any blame, criticism, judgment or demand in what I’ve just said?”

Process Request: “I would like to really slow down the conversation and speak one person at a time right now to make sure we are all hearing each other. I’d like to see a show of hands from anyone who has a concern or objection about this.”

Stepping-Stone Request: “During our remaining five minutes I would like to look at our calendars to set up our next time to talk. Would that work for you?”

How:

I think the three key skills to making effective requests are:

(1) Understanding the distinctions, and what defines a true NVC request.

(2) Self-connection: It’s critical to be clear what I want and how I might get it in a way that also works for others. I remember Marshall’s advice to me: “Before you open your mouth, be clear about your present Need and request.”

(3) Imaginative problem-solving: This can be extremely useful in coming up with requests and possible strategies that nobody else is thinking of. For example, I was once serving on a committee that was given a humongous scope of work and an unbelievably limited amount of time in which to accomplish it. Committee members were scratching their heads and furrowing their brows but going along with what we were given. At our second meeting I raised my hand, and when the facilitator called on me I said: “When I think of our scope of work and the time we’ve been given, my trust that we’ll come up with a quality outcome is very low. I would like to see a show of hands of committee members who have concerns about or objections to the following proposal: Our committee liaison goes to the county council and asks for a yearlong extension for our work. Raise your hand if you have a concern or objection about that.”

Example:

Notice the difference between these statements and questions:

“I need more space!” 
vs
 “Would it work for you if I have some alone time for three hours?”

“Come back soon!”
 and 
”If you really cared about your mother you wouldn’t stay out so late!” 
vs 
”Honey, could you agree to be back by midnight? Would that work for you?”

This is an excerpt from my downloadable home study course, Empower Your Communication: A step-by-step introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC). This class includes a 90+page PDF plus 5 CDs’ worth of audio. (And a sweet bonus.) More information about it, including glowing testimonials, is here.

Yes – the Earth needs us to drive less. The Earth needs less deforestation, species extinction, soil erosion… the list goes on.

But what the Earth really needs is for us humans to get on the same page about who we are, what is the good life, and how we move forward into our shared destiny.

Too often, people committed to positive change fall into:

“Why are you driving?”

“Well, why are you having so many kids?”

“And what are you doing eating a hamburger?”

“Well, why are you choosing to eat avocado and banana when you live in a cold climate?”

As long as our perspective on positive change is coming from a judgmental and adversarial stance, we are hurting the Earth, because this stance generates divisiveness and therefore resistance to performing the very actions that the planet, including humanity, needs.

Next time you see someone acting in a way that you consider to be not of integrity, get curious. Invite connection and dialog about what is important, and why we are making the choices we make.

Fostering guilt, shame, and making others wrong is counterproductive to the Earth.

Whoever is living a fully ecologically sustainable and socially just lifestyle, please identify yourself.

I work with “positive change agents” which I define as people committed to making the world a better place AND making themselves better people. We call ourselves many names: cultural creatives, social entrepreneurs, change makers, sustainability activists, and evolutionaries, among others.

Making change in the world is not enough. I’ve seen the incredible shortfalls that happen when people commit to positive change in the world but refuse to work on themselves. And personal development becomes insular and self-serving at best if it is not coupled with contribution toward a larger whole. Both are important.

Those of us who are on fire with this dual commitment have five areas we need to work on:

1) Mindsets

These are the attitudes, beliefs, worldviews, perspectives, mental models, and mental states that we need to cultivate to stay positive, attentive, proactive, and compassionate. Mindsets comprise the root of the rest of our work: without good mindsets, the rest of our work is undermined. By itself this is a huge area, as it involves things as simple as encouraging ourselves throughout the day, as well as affirmations (and what Tony Robbins calls “incantations”), limiting beliefs, and the grief and wounds that when unresolved hobble our best efforts.

An example of a useful mindset is the recognition that there is an ecology of change agency, and that all of us positive change agents are working complementary pieces which are all important. The opposite of this attitude or perspective is the belief that what I’m working on is the only worthwhile thing to work on, or the most important. No. It’s the most important for you. And that’s OK. We can work on different pieces, and still support each others’ work.

2) Tools

These are the processes and methodologies that we employ to create specific results.

The New Age movement gave us hundreds of great tools and thousands of crappy ones.

So change agents have the challenge of sorting through all the available tools to find the most effective ones for a particular purpose.

Examples of what I consider to be high caliber tools include Marshall Rosenberg’s process titled Nonviolent CommunicationTM (NVC), Permaculture design, Financial Integrity (Your Money or Your Life), Ken Wilber’s Integral Framework, Holacracy, and the 8-Shields Model.

3) Skills

Having a tool is one thing. Being skillful with a tool is quite another.

Developing skillfulness takes intention, time, and dedication. And when you couple strong mindsets with a high skill level in a high caliber tool or process — the return on the time and energy invested is phenomenal.

Bottom line: it’s not enough to have a great tool. We have to be skillful with the tools we have. (That said I would rather have a great process and be mildly skillful in it, than to be incredibly skilled in a mediocre process.)

Example: maybe I’ve never seen a hammer. You give me one and tell me it’s useful for nailing two boards together. I bend the first three nails I touch and I conclude that hammers suck. Incorrect conclusion.

Example: two friends of mine attended an NVC workshop with a less-than-skilled presenter. The opportunity arose to work on a real situation with an audience member, and the facilitator did not know how to handle it. One hundred people walked away thinking NVC sucks. Incorrect conclusion.

4) Resources

These could be financial resources, but they don’t have to be. It could be land. Or people resources. In some cases, solid mindsets help us develop interior resources (such as patience or perseverance) which in turn strengthen our mindsets and skillfulness. A book can be a resource. Or a computer.

Resources channeled toward the common good are essential. High quality mindsets, tools, and skills that are resource deficient have little positive impact.

One of the disempowering mindsets many change agents have is an aversion to marshaling or commanding resources. And that is just sad and tragic. The belief is, if I have assets I am selfish or greedy, or I am participating in inequality. However, the resources are absolutely necessary to sustain the message and the action. We can have mindsets, tools, and skills, but without resources to get our message and work out there our impact is unnecessarily restricted.

5) Community

This could be a community of practice (some people use the Buddhist term sangha), a community of support, a mastermind group, or simply people we connect with and with whom we have fun.

This element is easily overlooked.

Community sustains us and keeps us going. In the best of cases, our community holds us in love — and also holds us accountable to our word.

Community, ideally, gives us feedback and perspective. It is easy to become isolated and disconnected, and then cynical and depressed. Community gives us emotional buoyancy, and keeps us true to ourselves.

Cultivating community is a constant process, and an essential one.

All of these five categories of things are necessary. By themselves, none of them are enough.

Those Mayan’s!

They sure were great astronomers for their time!

Given that their calendar was carved in stone tablets, can we blame them for stopping 3,000 years into the future?

If this is not the year the world ends, perhaps it can be the year the world re-invents itself.

WTF are you waiting for?

Do you think the world will transform without your active participation?

OH NO!! Are you still waiting for a supernatural being to swoop down and save your ass? Are you still waiting – year after year, decade after decade – for some magical something to suddenly change things for you?

Nobody will change your life without you.

We’re here to love you, support you, challenge you, and invite you to higher levels of yourself.

But I can’t go to the gym for you or meditate for you. You’ve got to do that.

So maybe it’s not the end of the world, but it’s a great opportunity for a new beginning.

Take time away from the news and from negative people. Take time to tune in to your truth.

The world is transforming. Consciousness worldwide is elevating.

Get on the escalator, will you?

Gratitude keeps us connected to what is working, rather than dwelling on what is not working.

When used in its purest form – as a celebration – gratitude keeps us connected to the natural joy of giving that comes spontaneously when we are connected to how powerful we really are in our capacity to enrich each other’s lives.

Besides being a form of celebration, receiving gratitude also serves the function of feedback, and lets us know that we have hit the mark. Most of us want our words or actions to serve or contribute to life, and without this feedback, we can be tempted in certain situations to stop trying. Who wants to put energy into something that seems to bear no fruit?

——–

This post is an excerpt from my upcoming home study course, Empower Your Communication: A step-by-step introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC).