I looked up “empathy” online and there are at least 14 different definitions for it.

So let me tell you exactly what I mean by this word. Throughout this video we’ll approach it from different directions so that we get a really full perspective on not only what it is; actually I want to teach you something actionable. I want to teach you something useful that you can apply immediately.

Technically, we don’t give somebody empathy.

We sometimes refer to it as giving somebody empathy, but, technically speaking,what we give somebody is our full attention.

So, we are completely, completely present with our whole being and as a result, the other person’s need for empathy is met.

So one way to define empathy is a respectful understanding, or a compassionate understanding.

In terms of a universal human need, my need for empathy is that need to be fully gotten, to be fully heard and understood in a deep, deep way.

So when we’re fully present to someone else, we can give them that.

And let me make some important distinctions here, starting with this one:Empathy does not mean agreement.

I remember sitting with a close friend years ago and she was part of a nonprofit that was going through some really hard times and she did not agree with a lot of the decisions that some of her coworkers and work partners were making. I was able to listen to her and actually even tell her back what I was hearing.

And one of the things that’s useful about reflecting back what I’m hearing is that I’m confirming that message sent and message received is the same, because if you’ve ever had anyone say to you, “I understand,” but you didn’t quite trust whether they did understand or not…

…I would recommend instead of saying “I understand”, you demonstrate understanding by telling the person back what it is that you heard.

So if they’re in a very vulnerable space, it might be very reassuring to hear back what it is that they’re sharing, like in this case with this friend. Or if I did not quite understand what it is that you said, I might reflect back, “Hey let me tell you what it is I’m getting and you can tell me whether or not I’m following you the way that you want to be heard.”

So going back to the story of my friend, I was able to tell her back what it was I was hearing; her needs for integrity weren’t met, her needs for effectiveness weren’t met…lots of different things that she had to share. And I was able to be present and really hear her.

And once she felt fully heard, then she really wanted to know, “So, what do you think Alan?” And I was able to share with her how from my perspective the actions that some of those other people were doing actually did align with my values around integrity and around effectiveness and some of those other questions. So, it’s important to understand empathy does not mean agreement.

I can be empathically present to you and really hear what’s going on for you, and really get it — and at the same time have a different perspective and have a different opinion. So that’s a really important distinction.

Another important distinction is the distinction between empathy and sympathy.

So, in empathy there’s this aspect of I am not home. I’m not here; I’m fully present with you.

So, if you said to me, “You know, my father just passed away”. And if I say something like, “You know, I know exactly how that feels because when my dad passed away, I felt that way too”. That’s sympathy.

Another way of thinking about that is there’s an instrument in India, looks like a guitar, but it’s called a “sitar” (in case you haven’t heard of it) and it has some strings called sympathetic strings that are never played. When the other strings are played, the sympathetic strings vibrate with the other strings, so they resonate. That is like sympathy, that’s why they’re called sympathetic strings.

So when something’s happening for you and then I notice that something’s happening inside of me that resonates with that, that may be sympathy. I think sympathy is very important, it’s also a universal human need, and it lets us know that we’re not alone. But sympathy — if I’m telling you — “You know when my dad passed away, I felt the same thing”, suddenly I’m home. I’m telling you about my experience. If I say, “I know exactly what you mean” from my own experience, that’s sympathy.

That’s important, but it’s not empathy and we need to really distinguish the two.

Most of the times that people come to me in any kind of emotional pain or difficulty, what they’re needing is empathy. They’re needing someone to just be totally present and just listen and just be with them. So, that’s an important distinction: empathy is not sympathy.

Empathy has a quality of following. It’s not leading. There are many forms of psychotherapy, for example, that excel at leading people. You ask people questions, you get them to think about certain things. You’re leading them. That can be great. That can be wonderful. It’s just different from empathy.

In empathy, I’m not leading you, I’m following.

I remember I did a role-play with a young woman in a class where I role-played her boyfriend. They were going through hard times. So I role-played her boyfriend with strong empathy skills and I was just present.

And she would share something like, “I was really upset that day that you left the dog in the car with the windows up.” And I was just present and I just got it. “It sounds like you were distressed because you were worried about the dog.” “Yeah”, she would say. So, like that. Just confirming, “Yeah I get it” and “I’m following.” Then the next thing would come up. “Oh yeah, I hear you.” Then the next thing would come up — and so I’m following: I’m just staying with her. I’m present.

Amazing things happen when people get enough of this quality of presence. One of them is they stop talking. The other is that you experience a shift. You feel it in your own body. Sometimes a whole room full of people can feel it. It’s almost like the barometric pressure shifts a little bit.

At the end of that role-play, we ended up getting back together in the large group, things moved on with that class. She came up to me at the end of the class and said, “Alan, you know that role play that we did with my boyfriend?” I said, “Yeah, I remember that. It just happened an hour ago.” And she said, “You know I had all these amazing insights and these amazing a-ha’s.”

And that’s another thing that happens. I’m not trying to give you insights. I’m just being present and you arrive at your own insights.

So she said to me, “You know, I realize that I need to take more responsibility for that relationship and that it’s not so much about him. it’s more about me. And I thought, “Cool. That’s so great.”

But I realized that if I had started out the conversation saying, “You know what girlfriend: YOU need to take more responsibility for the relationship and it’s not so much about me, it’s about you.”…

…I would have hit a brick wall or it would have gone in one ear and out the other.

By just being present and offering her empathy, she got to those insights on her own.

So, let me share with you some other distinctions:

Empathy is not investigating. So, for example. “When was the first time you felt that way as a child?” So again another form of leading. Asking questions.

Empathy is not sharing with you my own story.

It is not advice or suggestions.

It’s simply that quality of being present through which somebody can feel totally heard and gotten.

There’s an interesting thing that happens in communication though:

[The Tube of Communication: an analogy]

…if you picture a clear plastic tube and you’re trying to get your message through and I’m trying to get my message through… So, you’re putting your bandana in the tube and I’m putting my bandana in the tube, what happens? The tube gets clogged and neither one of us is getting heard because we’re each trying to get our point across.

So, if I’m able to take my point and just put it on the shelf momentarily, and just be present to you and allow you to get your bandana through the tube, now you feel heard. The tube is clear again.

Now I can bring what I had to say and put it through the tube and share my point with you.

In other words, one of the rules of thumb is empathy before honesty.

Before I share my honesty with you, before I correct you, before I educate you…

…I’ll have a better chance of getting heard if first I’m totally present to what it is that you have to say.

So, those are some tips on how to DO empathy.

Let me give you an advanced tip:

When I’m present with somebody, there’s a really key element to pacing.

So, I suggest that you really think about slowing things down.

Sometimes when somebody’s going through a lot and they’re sharing, you’ll notice sometimes they need a little space and time to just kind of go inside and feel their feelings and formulate what they want to say next and then it comes out…

…So when I’m being present with somebody, I’m very aware of slowing things down.

Because after all I’m there to be really, really present.

Here’s another advanced tip:

If I have a suggestion or if I have advice to share… Instead of just putting it out there, I might check in. I might say something like, “Hey, you know I’m thinking of something that might be really useful to you, I‘m thinking of something that might be helpful. Are you open to hearing it right now or is right now not a good time?”

So, checking in before I share advice or suggestions.

It’s a great way to be present for your friends…

…it’s a great way to coach your friends how to be present for you…

…and something that the world needs a lot more of are skills for how to create mutual understanding without coercion.