One of the reasons that social support is so important is because so many couples struggle under the myth that you have to figure everything out on your own.

We tend to overlook the possibilities.

Consider that couples and families actually exist in the context of community. 

I’ve been together with my wife for many, many years, and we get stuck when both of us are really needing to get heard.

What gets in the way of me being present to her or to you or to anyone is if I have too much stuff going on.

In those situations we’re both needing to get heard and neither one of us is getting it.

How to get that Social Support… 

…and the HUGE Benefits of Empathy

We have this understanding, this agreement, that we can actually pause those conversations — if they’re actually stuck or if we’re just escalating — pause the conversation, and either one of us can turn to people outside of the two of us in order to get some compassionate understanding, and that the intention of reaching out to these other people is to support the relationship. 

And we rely on people that both of us trust. They’re not there to give us advice and suggestions. They’re not there to give us more ammo, “you’re right he’s a [beep]!” And they’re not there to give us their story, “Oh that’s nothing, let me tell you about what happened to me the other day.” It’s really just to offer a compassionate support by just listening. 

As a result of that empathic presence, I get more connected to what’s important to me. I re-enter the conversation with less emotional charge, and I enter the conversation with a little more clarity about, what is it that I would like back form that other person in this moment. The social support is really valuable in that way.

Your Circle of Support: Make a List

I’ve done a lot of work over the years with couples and families and my recommendation is that each person have a list of three to ten people on speed dial, somebody that you can call on a moment’s notice to get that kind of social support. 

Now the last time that I had a serious freak-out, I called the first person on my list. They didn’t answer the phone. I called the second person on my list. It wasn’t a good time for them. I called the third person on my list. They were available to talk. When I was done with that person, the first person called me back and I got a little extra support, and like that. This is what social support can look like.

So I really encourage you to have a list of three to ten people that you can turn to at a moment’s notice when you’re needing that kind of support. 

What if the people in my life don’t know how to support me?

One of the problems with this idea in actual practice is that most people don’t know how to offer us that kind of support. Most people will give us their story or they’ll agree with us, which is sometimes the last thing we need when we’re in a very judgmental space. Or, they’ll simply try to give us advice or suggestions, or they’ll try to fix our problem.

What I can do is coach my friends. I’ll say, “Excuse me friend, I hear that you have something that you’d like to tell me, but really the kind of support I’m reaching out to you for is I’m wondering if you’d just be willing to listen. Just listen for maybe ten to fifteen minutes. At the end of that maybe I’ll ask you to tell me back what it is you’re hearing is really important to me.” So we can coach our friends if they don’t already have the skills.

Likewise, if somebody’s coming to me for that support, I need to be really clear whether or not it works for me in that moment. I told a friend of mine not that long ago when she came to me with a request, I told her, “I’m really glad I get to say ‘no’  to you right now so that you can really trust my yes.”

I want you to be clear whether of not that works for you and then simply remember that it’s about being present and listening.

Now if I do have advice…

What Happens When You Want to Give Advice?

…lets say I have advice for someone and I think it will be very helpful, I would offer it after the listening, and I would check in. I might say, “Hey, I’m thinking of something that I think might be really helpful. Are you open to hearing that right now?”

A few days ago I said that to someone and they said, “No, I’m not open to hearing it.” I wasn’t attached to giving that person my advice or suggestions if they weren’t open to hearing it. It would have created frustration for both of us if I had insisted on sharing it and if they were not in a good place to hear it. Very often I’ll just check in, “Hey is this a good time? I have something that I think would be very helpful.”